It’s been a challenge to find anything to write in the latest edition of the Week in Tory. They’ve all been such well-behaved boys and girls.
Only kidding: it’s absolute carnage.
Don your biohazard suits, top up your breakfast absinthe, and let’s dive in.
1. Under Boris Johnson, 10 Downing Street now holds the record as the most law-breaking address in the country.
2. A just-fined Johnson promised to “set the record straight” by finally telling the truth about the thing he also denies telling hundreds of lies about.
3. Having acted contrite for a record 18 minutes in parliament, Johnson performed a “pantomime” to backbenchers so tonally crass that multiple Tory MPs walked out.
4. Steve Baker called it “an orgy of adulation, a festival of bombast” and said the PM “should be long gone”.
5. Baker called the cabinet “dumb and happy”, which is rich from a science-denying dolt cursed with the self-satisfied grin of someone desperate to be asked if he’s any good at Connect 4.
6. The Justice Minister resigned cos Boris Johnson is “inconsistent with the rule of law”.
7. David Davis said Johnson was “morally delinquent”.
8. Mark Harper said Johnson was “no longer worthy of office”.
9. However Alexander Stafford said we should forgive the PM “as a Christian country”, only slightly undermined by the PM attacking the Archbishop of Canterbury.
10. Johnson was deluded enough to think this cluster of backstabbing, squabbling dingleberries could be persuaded to block a plan to have him investigated for years of quite obviously lying to parliament.
11. His MPs refused to block the inquiry, so it’s going ahead.
12. But Johnson said the inquiry was unnecessary, because he’d learned his lesson about lying to parliament, and to prove it he immediately lied to parliament about there being more people in work now than before the pandemic. There are fewer.
13. Last year’s “Best Available Tory” prize-winner Rishi Sunak said “the government must do everything it can to deal with the cost-of-living challenges”.
14. It is two weeks since he did absolutely nothing to deal with the cost-of-living challenges.
15. Boris Johnson insisted he was “getting on with the job” of fixing the cost-of-living crisis, just like he fixed Brexit in 2019.
16. He then ignored the cost-of-living crisis, and bravely flew off to India, cos he urgently needed to sign **absolutely no new trade deals**.
17. Thrashing around for anything positive to say about himself, Johnson alighted on Ukraine, and reminded everybody he had led the world on support for the country.
18. A FOI request revealed only a quarter of the aid Johnson promised to Ukraine has actually been delivered.
19. A whistle-blower working on the government’s Ukraine asylum system said it is “dysfunctional and useless”, with a “pattern” of visa applications “accidentally” going missing that seems designed to prevent any Ukrainians from actually being allowed into the country
20. Be-suited batrachian monstrosity Andrew Bridgen was found by a high court judge to have lied under oath.
21. To prove he wasn’t a liar, Bridgen, who lost the case, said “actually I won the case”, and is now facing an inquiry by the parliamentary standards watchdog.
22. But he still found it in himself to write a Daily Express column, teaching morality to the Archbishop of Canterbury.
23. This was due to the Archbishop speculating that God might not like the idea of us shoving the most vulnerable people on earth into a concentration camp.
24. The idea arose from what we must, I suppose, call “the mind” of smirking, razor-faced angel of death Priti Patel, who opted to distract us from Boris’s problems by announcing a pointlessly cruel scheme to achieve nothing and annoy everybody.
25. Her great plan was to ship Africans who had been people-smuggled to Britain straight back to Africa, so they can be smuggled again, thus creating a self-perpetuating market for criminals, and inventing Snakes and Ladders for c****.
26. Just 8 days before the announcement, the Refugees Minister had said there was “absolutely no possibility of sending refugees to Rwanda” and that if there was, he would know about it.
27. He didn’t know about it.
28. Patel told MPs asylum seekers would live in Rwanda until accepted in the UK.
29. Turns out the policy will force people to claim asylum in Rwanda instead of UK, so Patel’s tactic for distracting from stories about Johnson lying to parliament was: lie to parliament.
30. Junior MPs without the wit to refuse were rolled out to defend the indefensible, and seemed even less well-briefed than usual.
31. Tom Hunt battled Year 7 geography to claim Tories were “offshore processing in a safe European country, Rwanda”
32. Tom Pursglove, minister for illegal immigration, and therefore a man you’d expect to have a few details up his sleeve, had done his homework, and told the BBC that “clearly in Africa there are many countries in Africa, and this is one”. Well done, Tom.
33. Meanwhile banjaxed halfwit Lucy Allen claimed “the point of [sending people to Rwanda] is to be a deterrent”, which will come as a shock to [checks notes] Lucy Allen, who reassured us that “Rwanda is a wonderful welcoming country” and demanded the left stop trashing it.
34. 10 months earlier the Tories had condemned Rwanda for “human rights violations including deaths in custody and torture”.
35. Johnson, picking up that Lucy Allen vibe, informed parliament Rwanda is “one of the safest countries on earth”.
36. In 2020 the UK accepted 100 per cent of claims for asylum from “safest county on earth” Rwanda.
37. We also told Rwanda we were disappointed they “did not support the UK recommendation to provide support to trafficking victims, including those held in government transit centres”.
38. So to summarise: the UK govt is simultaneously encouraging Ukrainians to take refuge here, designing a system to prevent Ukrainians claiming refuge here, and launching a scheme to send trafficking victims to a place we condemn for not helping trafficking victims.
39. Claims the scheme would save money weren’t helped by Andrew Mitchell admitting it would be “cheaper to place asylum seekers in the Ritz”.
40.Theresa May, a tottering mechanical seabird that has swallowed a kazoo, said the scheme lacked “legality, practicality and efficacy”.
41. The Church of England said the policy was “against the judgement of God”.
42. By contrast, renowned Christian Jacob Rees-Mogg said the opportunity to be whisked 4500 miles away to be locked in a concentration camp run by torturers was an “almost Easter story of redemption”.
43. And the UN said the plan breaches international law.
44. Which leads us to Brexit, where haunted, shag-happy dust-bunny Boris Johnson was once again announcing he was preparing to breach international law by throwing out his own agreement, for the umpteenth time.
45. Both the Brexit campaign and the 2019 Tory Manifesto promised to AT LEAST match the regional funding we got from the EU.
46. Imagine my – and 48 per cent of Britain’s – surprise when it turns out regions are getting less than half the funding they used to get from the EU.
47. The PM announced another delay in changes to import checks, making it the 4th time in 4 years that he’s delayed the implementation of his “oven-ready deal” on the quite reasonable grounds that it’s based on technology that is exclusive to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
48. The Kent traffic system was relaxed to prove Brexit was working.
49. Four hours later the system was put in place again, cos Brexit isn’t working at all.
50.Brexit is also behind an 80 per cent drop in visits by foreign students, risking 40,000 UK jobs and a £3.2bn industry.
51. To solve the supply chain crisis he caused, Boris Johnson launched a taskforce last autumn.
52. This week the government admitted the taskforce had been closed within days of being launched, and before it had even held a single meeting, but having generated a lovely headline.
53. Jacob Rees-Mogg, the exact physical intersection between the concept of rickets and a cursed dildo, told parliament the Brexit treaty he had insisted was brilliant in 2019 was now invalid, because the government had its fingers cross when it signed.
54. He then lurched wildly around Whitehall, leaving notes on empty desks to inform non-existent people that they should work harder at generating treaties for him to later ignore.
55. This is a bold move for somebody famous for lying down on the job.
56. A week (yes really, just a week) after Rishi Sunak’s non-dom fiasco, only 5 of Johnson’s 22-member cabinet are willing to state that they or their family don’t benefit from non-dom status too, which you should bear in mind whilst writing your £2000 rubber cheque for heating.
57. It is also just one week since Nadine Dorries, the reason the gene-pool needs a lifeguard, demanded Channel 4 become more like Netflix, so it is almost inevitable that Netflix’s share price immediately tanked 35 per cent.
58. So Dorries opted to make a TikTok about her job, seemingly straight after a prolonged lunchtime celebration of doing well in a Wetherspoons meat raffle.
59. She then told rapt viewers that she runs one of the govt’s largest departments.
60. It’s one of the smallest.
61. The video showed Dorries being rightly proud of her innovative department, which had, that very day, invented the concept of downstreaming tennis pitches.
62. She went on to claim her complete absence of pertinent knowledge about her brief was caused by dyslexia.
63. Researchers into dyslexia expressed the opinion that dyslexia was probably not an adequate explanation for the lavishly scattered wits of Nadine Dorries.
64. We welcomed the return of Matt Hancock, who appears to be PeeWee Herman reflected in the back of a spoon, and announced to an expectant public that he’s written a book detailing his massive success in killing 100,000 people during Covid.
65. Not sure if his book will include this week’s news that Hancock had accepted “hospitality” from Randox, had failed to declare it, and then headed a dept that gave £500m to Randox.
66. Randox were also behind the Owen Paterson scandal, which ended sooo well for Tories.
67. And finally, as we slide closer to complete planetary breakdown, Steve Baker moved from “scrutinising” climate change to posting papers actively denying it’s happening
68. Baker is seen as a key organiser for whoever succeeds Johnson, and I’m building a bunker.
Like Hancock, I've written a book.
Unlike his, mine is funny on purpose.
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