You will need to be on top of the Tory horror show to get every reference in this thought-provoking piece from Richard Haviland, but even if you aren’t, you’ll soon pick up the theme: the casual cruelty, bigotry and hypocrisy of this government and its ministers.
In another life, a man with a security fetish and CBeebies-presenter-vibe boasts on TikTok that he’ll treat Rishi Sunak with the utmost cruelty.
In another life, a woman with a jaunty manner and monstrous ego dog whistles to the mob that any lawyer who dares to defend Suella Braverman is fair game.
In another life a dreary man applies a dreary coat of paint to a picture of Mickey Mouse that might just have afforded a nine-year-old Robert Jenrick a rare smile.
In another life, ministers rejoice as Grant Shapps is transported to a country he doesn’t know and doesn’t want to go to, telling him he’ll be fine as long as he doesn’t say or do anything out of turn.
In another life, Lee Anderson complains at being put on a prison ship despite doing nothing wrong, and is told to f***off back to any country that will accept him by a man whose combined stupidity and cruelty have elevated him to never-dreamt-of heights.
In another life, Alex Chalk is suspected of being a violent criminal because he’s a young man.
In another life, a man of spectacular mediocrity threatens Chris Philp while telling other people he’s deeply concerned for his safety.
In another life, a pompous man with affected manner sends Easter blessings to the world and turns his back on a Jacob Rees-Mogg, who looks at him pleading desperately for help.
In another life, Priti Patel’s boat capsizes in the Channel with a helping hand from men in uniform who are only obeying orders.
In another life, an interviewer invites Tom Tugendhat to reflect on the journey from where he once was to where he has arrived.
In another life, not everything’s quite such a laugh for Boris Johnson.
In another life each one of them is demonised, mocked and threatened by puffed up fools who smugly tell themselves of their country’s proud tradition of welcoming refugees.
In another life, we are all refugees.