A round-up of a typically marvellous #TheWeekInTory
1. Loving crowds of flag-waving patriots loudly booed Boris Johnson, the one-man game of shag, marry, avoid who is still – amazingly – our PM.
2. Priti Patel, the Shetland Pony of the Apocalypse, told Tory MPs not to attempt to sack Johnson because of the Jubilee.
3. They obliged, and instead attempted to sack him less than 24 hours later.
4. Jacob Rees-Mogg, the harrowing result of a Dalek having hate sex with a pendulum, had previously said 33 per cent of Tory MPs with no confidence in Theresa May was “a disaster”.
5. A total of 41 per.cent of Tory MPs have no confidence in Johnson, which JRM said was a “great success”.
6. Ministers have their jobs because of the PM, so are supposed to back him. If you assume they all did, that means 75 per cent of Tory backbenchers didn’t back him.
7. An-arch Johnson loyalist leaped to his defence, telling journalists “Off the record, he is f*cked”.
8. Johnson turned up on TV wild-eyed, agitated and constantly sniffing, to babble incomprehensibly about his amazing accomplishments.
9. There’s a fine line between madness and genius, and it looked like Johnson had just snorted that line.
10. A government whip said Tory MPs should now “shut the f*ck up”.
11. Nadine Dorries didn’t shut the f*ck up.
12. Instead Dorries, forever trapped at Lambrini o-clock, “defended” the govt’s record by publicly admitting it had made shit preparations for Covid for 6 years
13. Feral gonad Nadhim Zahawi described his own govt as “a circular firing squad”
14. Johnson, chastened and humbled by his Partygate shame, reassured his disgruntled MPs by telling them he’d “do it all again”.
15. To “get on with his job”, he headed to Blackpool to do a bewildering speech.
16. He said the UK has the worst economy in the G7 cos “we came out of the pandemic first, so had a faster recovery”.
17. So – deep breath – we’re doing badly because we are doing so well. Huh?
18. His solution to the cost of living crisis, is telling everyone to earn less, and cut nurse pay by £1,600 in real-terms.
19. Hospitals are now opening on-site foodbanks, not for patients, but for nursing staff who already can’t afford to feed themselves on their wages.
20. Having scored brilliantly on his first two solutions, he moved onto housing.
21. He began by saying we need 300k more homes.
22. Then he said building more homes isn’t the answer
23. Then he said it was Labour’s fault for not building enough homes
24. Then he said he built more homes than Labour when he was mayor
25. 63% of the homes built in London when he was mayor were started by Labour
26.Then he repeated that building more homes isn’t the answer.
27. So he promised to build 300k new homes.
28. And then he said he wouldn’t meet his manifesto promise on housing, which guarantees – yep – 300k new homes.
29. Clearly feeling he’d settled that matter, he then spent a few minutes of his speech bewailing the lack of olive and banana plantations in Blackpool. No joke.
30. Confident he had regained the trust of us all, he moved onto fixing mortgages.
31. He announced that to help renters save for a deposit, he would sell their rented homes, so there would be fewer of them, which will make rents cost more, making it harder to save. Brilliant.
32. But he had a lovely idea, which is to force banks to accept people’s benefits as a mortgage, meaning people who are currently unable to eat on collapsing benefits will soon be able to buy a house that doesn’t exist, if they simply stop eating even more.
33. Johnson called this a “housing revolution”.
34. Shelter called it “baffling, unworkable and dangerous”.
35.Michael Gove, a beached mudskipper dressed in boy clothes, called it a “marvellous scheme”.
36.The New Economics Foundation called it “totally detached from reality”.
37. Chris Philp, drawing the short straw and having to defend this gibberish, explained on TV that selling houses currently available to rent would not reduce the number of houses available to rent because…
38. The end of the previous sentence has not yet been discovered.
39. Economic news! Brexit has cost us £31bn in a year, making everybody 5 per cent poorer.
40. To help out, Rishi Sunak, whose primary skill appears to be taking off his jacket, ignored warnings about insuring against interest rate rises, which this week cost us £11bn.
41. And the government is burning £4bn of substandard PPE that it had ordered at above-market value from its pals.
42. So that’s £46bn wasted since Monday, the equivalent to £3,600 per hour for 1458 years, or £1 per second, every single second since the Romans withdrew from Britain.
43. Let’s get the screaming out of the way, and move onto minor incidents of the week.
44. Top priority for the govt: refusing to sign up to standardised USB ports, meaning Apple’s “lightning connector” will work everywhere on earth except here. Yay! We are saved!
45. After a Tory MP had to quit his seat for watching porn TWICE in the chamber of the House of Commons, the govt announced it would not reveal details of its other MPs on-site masturbation habits for “national security reasons”.
46. A former 12-time Tory candidate was imprisoned for sending racist death threats to David Lammy.
47. The cost of the Grenfell Tower inquiry reached £150m, compared to the £293k of “savings” which caused the fire in the first place.
48. “I’m not interested in social mobility”, said Katharine Birbalsingh, who is the government’s social mobility tsar.
49. She then said Boris Johnson “isn’t a good role model”, proving a broken cock is right twice a day. Sorry, did I say cock? I meant cock..
50. Priti Patel claimed the UN refugee council backed the Rwanda deportation plan.
51. The UN refugee council said her plan breached the law, and it’s being contested in court.
52. The Home Office claims Ukrainian asylum seekers and children excluded from the Rwanda plan.
53. Their own legislation does not exclude anybody from – probably illegal – deportation to Rwanda.
54. Also illegal under international law – the government’s plan to override the NI Protocol, published on Monday 13 June
55. But the government admitted the “vast majority” of peers would block the bill, rendering it pointless.
56. Daily Express said Brexit would not be done for decades, will cost £1.4 trillion, and Jacob Rees-Mogg’s ideas for it are “impossible”.
57. Commence howling now.
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