So I’ve been thinking about what the Tories are going to offer at the next election, and I think I’ve worked it out.
1: CUT MIGRATION
Brexit stopped the migrant-returns agreement, and their brilliant Point Based System led to far more immigrants than what it replaced.
So basically, their big policy is: undo their last big policy.
2: REDUCE NHS WAITING LISTS
They inherited the most efficient health service on earth and turned it into the worst health system in the G7 or Europe, but now they want to fix that. Apparently.
So basically, their big policy is: unto their last big policy.
3: SEE A GP FASTER
They inherited a guarantee to see a GP within 48 hours, and are now promising a grateful nation a wait of 18 weeks.
But they won’t put a timescale on that.
So basically, their big policy is: undo their last big policy.
4: GROW THE ECONOMY
They inherited an economy growing at 2.1 per cent a year, slowed it to a crawl with austerity, killed it dead with Brexit, and now want to make it grow again.
So basically, their big policy is: undo their last big policy.
5: INCREASE POLICE NUMBERS
They began their reign by cutting 20,000 police.
And now they promise 20,000 new police.
So basically, their big policy is: undo their last big policy.
6: NET ZERO
13 years after David Cameron vowed to “scrap this green crap”, they now want to go green … except for the ones who still don’t.
So basically, their big policy is: undo their last big policy.
7: REDUCE STATE DEBT
In Labour’s last full year in office, state debt was 62 per cent of GDP.
It is now 100.5 per cent of GDP.
So basically, their big policy is: undo their last big policy.
8: FIX SOCIAL CARE
Wage freezes reduced care workers’ income by about £10,000 each (compared to what they’d be if wage trends under Labour had continued). And Brexit drove tens of thousands of care workers away.
So basically, their big policy is: undo their last big policy.
9: REDUCE THE TAX BURDEN
Labour left a total tax burden of 30 per cent of GDP.
After 13 years of Tory tax cuts (ha!) it is now 36.9 per cent of GDP.
Which is the highest for 70 years.
So basically, their big policy is: undo their last big policy.
10: INVEST IN INFRASTRUCTURE
They cancelled school repairs, rail improvements, clean energy projects, local transport plans, hospital repairs, road maintenance and water improvements.
Now they want all that again.
So basically, their big policy is: undo their last big policy.
If you’re seeing a pattern here, you’re not alone.
All they can say to the nation is: give us another 5 years, and by 2029 – with luck – we might be able to make it seem like the last 2 decades didn’t happen.
I’m unconvinced.
And to help the nation to forget the Tories just wasted the 13 years since David Cameron first sat around a cabinet table … oh, do I even have to finish this joke?
